1 - Pre sleep thoughts; stop worrying and let yourself enjoy things
I blogged twice in two days, and I absolutely loved it. To the point where I am blogging again now simply because I feel like it.
This is a very new way of acting and thinking for me. When I was a child, kids around me had their "thing" and it just seemed like I did not have anything I could call my own. I would need circumstances to be perfect to do something I really wanted. I did not allow myself to put posters on my wall, because I could only do that if I truly liked what the poster was about, or if I knew everything about it. It was the same for me with band t-shirts.
I remember breaking my toe and being excited about getting people to write on my cast. But the colour of the cast was not right so I did not allow anyone to actually do it. In a week I was supposed to get a new cast (with a new colour), but apparently I did not need it anymore.
I have missed out on many opportunities of enjoyment in my life because of my need for control and my pervasive perfectionism. And you know what? Fuck that shit.
Okay, maybe not in exactly those words. I am who I am and that is not simply going to change overnight, but one thing I have noticed in myself is my ability to let things happen. I am allowing myself to enjoy things for themselves. If something looks pretty, that is enough for me to put it on my wall if I want to. It has been a shift in perception of letting aesthetic value be a value enough in itself without the general tendency to look for deeper connection or meaning. Value is given once I deem it valuable, and I should not let my own value be dependent on whether I can make myself resonate with external objects.
While objects are inherently instrumental, my way of perceiving them was rooted in viewing myself as a means, and if you have ever read Kant you would know that people should never be treated as a means, but always as an end. What does this mean in my context? Well, simply said that I was using myself as a tool to be a proprietor of the object, no longer was I a being in itself. This still sounds complicated. Imagine you are at a store. The cashier is there to help you check out, their value is instrumental (a means), and as such we treat them as that, but that does not mean they are only a cashier, they are also a being for themselves, they have intrinsic value (an end). I did the exact same thing, only to myself. I was a vessel for the objects, and saw myself as an amalgamation of them, and with this forgot that it is the objects that should fit me, not me the objects.
This is a long and complicated way of saying that I am starting to do things for myself, exploring what I like and enjoy outside of stigma's and norms. It is enjoyable, but also of course stressful at times if you're a type A person such as myself. Nonetheless, at least now I can listen to an album enjoying the music, without immediately feeling like I need to know every song to call myself a fan, and that is huge progress to me. This also means that instead of first preparing my blog fully by setting it up, picking colours and themes for hours on end, and thinking 30 minutes about every sentence, I am instead writing blog posts because I feel like it, even if the thoughts are kind of stupid. BECAUSE THAT IS OKAY!!!!!!!! I am enjoying myself, getting myself out there, writing, and most importantly, practicing imperfection and just simply being without the need to be perfect or appease to different people's opinions. This is my blog, my writing, and even if its sucky writing, I am still happy with it. Yey :)
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