A Decent Day
My day was interesting.
It started out pretty bad, with a lot of doubt, insecurity, and doing research. I slept for most of the afternoon, because I did not know what to do, and also because I simply did not want to be awake.
My mom and I went to the movies though, Wildwood, and it is the second time I have seen it. Throughout the movie I was having a lot of anxiety about all sorts of things. Thinking back on my relationship and things that happened, feeling sad about it, confused, questioning whether there are men who don't think with their dicks, lol. I texted some friends, vented a little, and got met with a lot of support actually.
It wasn't until the evening where I actually started to feel pretty okay, and weirdly it was because an actress in a movie had big boobs. That sounds stupid, but as I looked at the screen I felt no shame in myself, no insecurity, no hatred, or jealousy. I just thought what a beautiful woman she was and realised that I didn't care about her boobs. As someone with a smaller chest I usually am insecure about it, and seeing people who are let's say "well endowed" triggers me. This time it did not. And it is because I realised that no matter what it is, other people are beautiful and I am too. I also had another interesting thought, which is that I was thinking of the word husband and wife, and I thought to myself what if I had a wife. And surprisingly it made me kind of giddy inside, like I could picture myself with a woman, which was a new thing to think about.
All in all, lots of thoughts, still insecurities, but some progress in how I am feeling. More sexually free thinking I suppose, and also with the realisation that I don't want to objectify women like that. I can just appreciate the way they look without wanting to do anything with it.
Yes men, it is possible to do that you scumbags, lol. You do have control over your thoughts to some degree you know? I am quite happy with myself and where I am at right now. It will change tomorrow, and I still have a long way to go, but as long as I am comfortable in myself, appreciate myself, and realise that other people's beauty does not diminish my own, I think I'm good. Also I am going to get so fit in the gym y'all, it's so exciting.
That's another thing I thought about. How little bodily appearance has to do with sexual arousal. I much prefer the crush kind of attraction you can have for people. The excitement you get. Much more fun lol.
I think my ex needs to fuck around a bit, and then find out he does not like it, or maybe that he does and that he is simply not that monogamous, which is fine. I think once you explore the dating world, you realise that finding someone you actually like is quite a difficult thing, and then you won't be so intrigued by it anymore, or at least disinterested. I know that is what happened to me after my first relationship. I was so fascinated by dating and casual hookups, I never actually had any, but I did flirt with a lot of people, and realised that it was really boring and not satisfying at all. I also think I am just not interested in men who just are looking to fuck, in fact they kind of disgust me a lot. Maybe I should give it another shot, explore my sexuality and what I like. Even though I have a pretty good idea of what I like, there's still things I don't know about myself. Time to work on that :)
A bad afternoon, but a great evening. So, all in all, a pretty decent day.
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