I don't feel chemistry with others
As my usual self does, I have done a lot of thinking. A lot of it has been in fear.
I fear that the chemistry I experienced with my ex was a one time thing.
Rationally I understand that there are so many people I am compatible with, but social interaction and the need for closeness and comfort is such a rare thing for me to FEEL that I want that with a person. It is difficult to establish a connection of that type with someone for me. Just as it is difficult for me to not compare every interaction with any potential partner I have to the one I lost.
There are many people in relationships who get tempted, because the grass is greener. Well I guess I was colorblind then, because my grass was green and lucious. I think what hurts me that my partner was not. Even now being single I still feel that same way. I don't want to date. I don't have interest in fleeting, casual relationships. I could if I think about it, but everything seems pointless in comparison to the chemistry and connection and just straight up desire I had for ex. There is no one in the world (right now at least), I would rather be with. But it was not meant to be, as it was not fully reciprocated.
I am scared I am weird for this. It is not that I necessarily need an emotional connection, but I do think a lot of my sexual desire stems from some form of limerence that I experience for someone, and there is just no one I have really had that for. There is one example I can think of where I would have been very interested, but that was in the first few months of our relationship. After that it was actively thinking of our connection, hightening my feelings of connection and love, and simply committing to being in love and being in a relationship.
I think I can safely say I am the winner in our relationship. Even though after my trust was broken I was scared to give it my all, I am glad I eventually did. Despite all the bad things, I am proud to say that I still loved. I showed up in my relationship, and made decisions that showed commitment, and I am proud of that. I am proud of the person I am I suppose. I think people often don't realise that a relationship is a huge life change, and complete difference in mentality and interaction with the world. Some people are not ready for that, or perhaps even are incapable of that.
On a different note, I will be spending New Years in France with some old friends. My ex might be there. I hope he will be, and I also hope he will not be. Currently it sometimes feels like we are just going through a no contact period, but then I remember that we actually broke up. I don't know what it is like to see him again. I think I will feel butterflies unfortunately. I am still extremely in love with him, it sucks.
Everyday I am obsessively reading about attraction and lust and desire, and sometimes it makes me feel better but I think it is just making everything worse. I hate that I have to go through this.
Ultimately I think it was the reminder of our chemistry that kept me so disinterested in others. It's not like I was never attracted to other people of course, more in a fleeting kind of way I guess. I would never actively think or interact with my attraction I suppose, there was no need to, I did not want to.
This post is a whole bunch of nothing, I just haven't written in a while. I have been trying to do some writing and to make music. Every time I come up with something I want to show it to him, and to sing to him. It sucks to have to sever the relation between being content and being in a relationship. Because this feeling of being content was what I felt for such a long time, just satisfaction and fulfilment in having a plan for the future. And now that plan is gone, and I have to find a new source of contentment, a new way of living.
I am sad. I want to cry I guess. I want therapy to work through what I am feeling and the complicated relationship I have with attraction and insecurity.
Yeah.. I miss you. Also, you suck, lol.