How to Be Single #1: This is how it starts
I have decided to journal my single life journey. It is a confusing fucking thing and honestly the goal is not to help anyone other than myself. If anyone happens to be going through the same thing, well then I am so sorry.
I have other posts about what happened, will not explain again because I don't want to. But this is just a little first dump before I go do my usual routine of watching Brooklyn 99 until I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night from my cat jumping on me.
I downloaded dating apps today, set up profiles, picked the pictures (one of me in a banana suit) and got to swiping. My god people are desperate on there, I don't understand how people do this, it is so overwhelming. I hate dating, I hate being single, I don't have to date yet but it was mainly just to see what it was like, and well I don't like it. There is flattery to having so many people be interested in you, but it is only exemplifying my icky feelings from being objectified. I miss being in a relationship.
I had a great talk with friends today and that was just so lovely, it also made me think back on my relationship and the absolutely abysmal things that happened. I feel so sad at that thought, becauase the ending seemed so nice, but it was based on a lie, and so I feel sad because of a lie, but I also feel sad for still wanting to live in the lie. God this sucks.
I miss being called samuel, and being a ball. I feel strange. I was so ready to settle. I guess I have to figure out something else now.