I wish I was pretty
My sense of direction has let me down again,
and I am completely lost in the faces of others.
Have forgotten the directions to see myself,
so that all I see is what I should be.
"Decently attractive" is what I was once called. Maybe it was the fact that one of my front teeth crossed over the other. Or it was my hooded eyes and low brows. Perhaps my crooked nose with its bulbous tip? Whatever was seen that provoked the comment was nothing but a confirmation of everything I had previously worried about.
For a long time, I felt more secure in myself and my appearance. I knew that I was decently looking and that, with a little effort, I could be very pleasing to the eyes. On numerous accounts, I have been called attractive, cute, sexy, hot, and even beautiful. Despite some doubts, I did believe them for a really long time. Or even better yet, I had such a neutral stance toward my appearance that I was completely fine and content with myself. But now, wanting to believe the words so badly, something inside me cannot. Maybe it is the desensitisation to compliments, or perhaps (more likely) it is the rooted thoughts and beliefs about my appearance that I have indoctrinated into myself. Anyone who has held a belief for years knows that they will not just change it despite hearing evidence supporting counterclaims. And someone like me who likes ranting about the "subjective nature of opinions" will not be convinced by compliments based on precisely that.
I truly and utterly despise myself right now. Sometimes because of what I think I look like; Other times because of how much I care. Currently, it is a mix of both. But what I hate most is how it is affecting my life, and I hate that I am the cause of it. To spend your day comparing yourself to other people. People who fit the objectively attractive standard. People who could be the main characters in shows and books. Who look good from most angles and who, unlike me, have nice teeth (it is probably my British genes). People who you do not have to show a "good" picture of because they just always look good.
I am pretty.
I just wish I was that kind of pretty.