Learning To Be Alone After a Relationship
For the longest time I was content. That is the only way I can describe what I was experiencing. My relationship, my feelings, my experiences, I was happy with them, I felt satisfied. The confusing part is that it happened so fast. There was a comfort level between us that was almost unimagineable, as if we had known each other for years. At 5 months into our relationship I felt the same sense of safety as I did at 2.5 years. In the beginning it felt strange and unwelcome, kind of like a "is this it?" moment. But I quickly learnt to recontextualise how I was feeling into a future commitment thing. I realised for myself that this could possibly be the person I spend the rest of my life with. You'd think that being in my early twenties would have made me have doubts, or desire new experiences, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Of course there are things that could have been a bit better, but generally speaking if that is what my life would have looked like, I would have lived it happy and fulfilled.
Now that my relationship has ended (more on that later) it is weird to realise that I have a life outside of it. I have to relearn completely what it means to create a life that is just mine, relearn what it is like to be excited again, to seek out new experiences because I WANT to experience something new. I do not feel excited yet, I mainly just feel loss at the life I could have had. Despite that I realise that being alone right now is the best possible thing for me, even if I do not want to be. It will take a while I think to do, and that is okay.
A part of me right now feels as if I found forever at the wrong time, it is the part that holds out hope that in the future our paths will cross again. Another part thinks that maybe I was just convincing myself I did. Maybe I was settling, and perhaps we are simply not compatible in that way. I haven't figured that out yet.
All I know is that this sucks. It feels like going through a withdrawal. Every time something happens I just feel this urge to text or call, to fill my days with distractions and activities, but nothing can distract from the feeling of loneliness I am experiencing. I feel sad a lot. But also fine. Feel like I lost something great, and also feeling great that I stepped away from a harmful situation.
I guess over time the urges will go away, the thoughts will dissipate, and the memories too. Eventually I will lose my grip on what could have been, and instead focus my efforts on what is. That day is not today though. And probably not tomorrow. But every day gets a little bit closer.