Pre sleep thoughts
Today I had an exam for my cognitive science course that I hardly studied for. And yet despite this I still felt as if it went okay. A part of me is relieved that I did not fail horribly, however the other part is disappointed in myself for exactly the same reason. Is university truly this easy or has its quality rapidly decreased so that I can study a few hours before an exam to pass.
But despite my passing I still feel like I failed, not due to a low grade but solely as a person. I feel like a failure. Because I do not deserve to pass exams as I do, especially with the grades I get. I do not work for it, I do not do enough, and I feel like I should do more, and more, and more, and more, until I cannot possible do anything more.
I wish I studied to learn things. It is my main reason for being in university, as I enjoy learning and knowing things. However currently I am merely studying to do well. I do not actually learn anything, only learn how to work with the system that rules academic life.
Though a good thing is that my exam not going terribly made me feel guilty, and that guilt made me do my reading for my philosophy class. And you know what? It was so interesting that I am debating on getting the full book, so that is a good thing I guess.
I do not want to state a lot of things anymore, this is mainly just a brain dump before I go sleep.
Goodnight and sleep well.