v o y e u r i s m
Welcome to the thoughts behind. To my meaning of my work, a work about grieving my relationship. As some general background information:
- I used to be in an almost 5.5 year long relationship.
- I broke up with him 7 months ago.
As stated before, art is my way of dealing with my emotions, and in this specific case poetry allowed me to express myself in a deeply fulfilling way. I have experimented with various artistic media, but writing poetry resonated the most for this project. The way words capture and convey emotion and experience gives them a new depth and meaning. Creating this poetry book to explore my grief after the end of my relationship was both fulfilling and challenging. Initially, I lacked motivation, not knowing how I was going to explain my grief and the chaos I was experiencing with it. But I eventually decided to compile my poems along with images of meaningful mementoes, creating a short book about this process of my grief. This part of the book focusses on explaining the poems; my meaning behind them. The poems all describe (irrational)thoughts, feelings, or memories about the relationship and during the process of my grief. I might not go as detailed as you want, you might still have unanswered questions, even after reading this. It is because I will only give you an insight into my thoughts when I look through my poems, into what I feel and what I am reminded of. This is not an explanation of the poems, it is an explanation of my meaning. If you want to know more send me an email :)
cacophony
I always had some doubts during our relationship, comparing it in my mind to lightning strikes, bracing myself for the inevitable thunder. I would ignore these doubts, pushing away the thoughts. I had a sense it would happen eventually — sometimes you just know in your gut. Despite this, I stayed, cherishing the moments we had left because I did love him deeply, and it was hard to accept those nagging thoughts. It was one evening, a month after we had started university that we went out to dinner with his parents and his oldest sister, to a sushi place. I looked at everyone sitting at the table and felt as if I was living in a memory of them, as if this moment was already nothing more than the moment I would refer back to in the future:
when the unexpected cacophony of noise finally hit my eardrums.
Her
He used to complain about his feet a lot. He had big feet and always struggled to find shoes that fit well. He always saw me through rose-colored glasses, painting me in a light far brighter than reality. I have had so many feelings of guilt, I have felt like an absolute monster, as if everything was my fault; I am the villain. I tried warning him about it multiple times, he would be better off without me. His heart was one of the kindest I have ever known, he was pure goodness. And here I am having poisoned him with me.I dont think im a very good person. I never wanted to hurt him. I wish I could tell him I am sorry.
I truly deserve this pain.
curtains
I was already in a state of despair, I felt weird, existential even. I started painting your room, painting the patata pot we got in france for 11 euros. The stuffed animal ant I used as a pillow, even when you got a second one, just because I was so used to it, and then it came to the curtains, which I used to hide behind. The goddamn fucking curtains.
I couldn’t remember their colour.
how dare I
It feels wrong the way I grieve. We were together for almost five and a half years, so shouldn’t I have been sad for longer? I should have felt more despair, should have felt something when looking at old pictures of us. You were once the love of my life, so how can I forget what it was like to have you, to hold you, just like that? Even now, I struggle to remember you and what our time was like. I know I hold great sentiment towards it, but truly reminiscing seems impossible. I can’t imagine myself in that position with you anymore, and it feels so wrong of me. You gave me so much love, cared for me, helped me. We were each other’s everything for those years, and how do I repay you? By forgetting almost everything. How can a person be like that? How can I be like that?
How can I forget you that easily?
pinky
I did countless things for him, pouring out my heart and soul, standing steadfastly by his side through every trial. From battling his depression to navigating family turmoil and physical ailments, I was his unwavering support. Loyalty was my creed, and I upheld it fiercely, making promises we both believed in. Reflecting on it now, the extent of my sacrifices seems almost surreal. Where was that same devotion from him? Why did he fail to stand up for me constantly? Why did he not get more angry when his friend slapped my ass? He promised me he would talk to him. Guess how that went... Was I not worth it? And in the small gestures of daily life, why did he overlook my needs?
All I wanted was a glass of water.
sweaters
There were these sweaters I made for a halloween event once. We went with friends to a theme park during halloween, and I suggested doing something cute like wear matching sweaters; he agreed. So I went out to buy sweaters for us and I made this design of a ghost and a skeleton with a flower. I used bleach to stain the sweaters with the design. Looking back at the design, now after we have broken up, made me laugh with irony a little bit. In hindsight, it was like a premonition — as if you would withered away from my life, leaving nothing but your bones behind. With it giving me a flower.
A flower for my soul.
ent-I-rety
I perceive my grief as I perceive the premonition painted on the sweaters. Slowly, the body withers away, piece by piece, until nothing is left behind, except for its influence — only part of the flowers it feeds — the good it accomplished, the growth it exerted. You are part of my system now, but over time, you will become smaller and smaller, your footprint lessening, but you will still be there. You will persist, existing through my carcass, having become part of me as a whole,
the entirety of I.