We Won't Watch Severance Together Anymore
I had thoughts today, and a lot of sadness. I have been feeling extremely sad.
I miss you a lot. I miss spending time with you, and feeling that comfort. I think I am in part missing a fantasy, because my safety was not real. Looking back I do not think the things I asked of you were too much. To some degree I hope you are confronted with the man you wish to be in the time you spend away from me. I hope you work on battling with your addiction on your own, until you are at a point where you do not battle anymore, where you have a choice to. I hope you see women as human. It took me a few years to deal with a porn addiction, though I did it as a teenager. I hope you spend the next years doing so before your brain plasticity reduces. You have the power to shape your mind right here, right now. I hope you shape it in a way that is beneficial for what you want out of life, for what gives your life meaning.
I fear I am a hopeless romantic. I want the love story, the happy ending. Not just a happy every after, but I want to put in the work for it. I am not someone who can just fuck anyone I find attractive, I need the emotional connection. I don't want to be that type of person as well. I am not a casual dater, though maybe I need to practice that as well.
I was patient with you, had empathy, and even though my own struggles and my own insecurities got in the way of that sometimes, it hurt when you said you didn't feel safe around me. I think that is not true. I think you felt uncomfortable confronting your emotions.
I am holding out hope that you'll turn into the person you want to be. That maybe, just maybe you could be the I want to chose to be with. But a part of me does not believe it anymore. There is a part that believes in the connection we have, because loving you was just so easy for me. But I don't think loving me was that easy for you.
I want to text your friend to ask how you are doing. I keep looking at steam to see if you are online, or signal. I felt too sad to play delta rune today, I wanted you to watch me play.
I have been feeling uglier and sadder. And I am scared to see you in real life again. Being alone is difficult, being without you is difficult. I don't want to be without you, but you gave me no choice. You did not treat me well, did not put in the effort, like you did not want to feel the love for me. I feel like an afterthought, the girl who was gonna stay by you while you worked on yourself. But at some point I needed to step away and I am proud that I did, it is just so difficult. I miss it so much, I miss you so much. I hate it so much.
Why did you have to be such a man. Why did you have to be a liar. Why are you so afraid to be vulnerable. Why did you choose to hurt me like that? I always hope you are not reading these, but also hoping you are. I still check your blog almost daily. I want to text you daily, hear your voice and feel your arms around me. Our relationship was not easy. You made it difficult. And I know you said sorry but I still don't believe it. How can I when you made a decision like that. I want a partner who eve in spirit is faithful to me. Maybe I am the weird one, maybe I am the exception in this, in that I feel bad about thinking about other people like that because it feels like I am betraying you, but how can I not? I don't care about others like that, honestly I still don't. I don't want to look at other people like that, I just want you. But you did not have that for me and that is what hurts the most. Or at least you chose to think about others, chose to focus on your attraction and desire. It's not bad because I am not doing anything physical right? But you are still acting on that feeling, even if it is by yourself. It is not " normal" man behaviour, it is conditioned into you. I blame your dad for that honestly. It is not normal to look at women as having assets and to sexualise them so much. It is also just a weird thing to admit to wanting to think about or look at something different to keep it interesting. Thanks for saying you basically got bored of me, lol. It is not like you had the most attractive body physically, and yet still I was attracted to you, because it was you. And it was the way you acted, the closeness, the sexiness and connection. Physical attraction is important to me and yet I never felt like I lacked anything, or felt the need to look at other people. I never was interested in other people like that, or I simply did not engage with other people like that. Other people were never options my mind. Like when a professor just sees a student as a student, there is a distance from them that does not allow them to see the mas anything else. That is what I maintained with people I got to know or got close to, because I would never want to see anyone in the way I see you. I still just want you. I want to feel close to you again. But even in the future when we do all the work, I don't know if I could trust you. I deserve someone who is so in love with me, who completely adores me in the way that I adore them. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for someone who just wants me and nothing else?
I don't know if I am being delusional, maybe my boundaries are stupid, but I don't feel like they are. I don't know anymore. I need to watch something. I do a lot of research usually when I feel bad about something. I have been reading more and more reddit posts of people and their opinions. I feel shitty for having small boobs. I feel inadequate, even though people call me pretty I don't feel like it. I hate my nose, and my teeth. I am thinking of getting braces again.
I miss having sex though. But not just physically, mainly emotionally. The playfulness and fun, the love and romance, I never realised how big of a deal that was for me until I did not have it anymore. I am really struggling. I hope you are okay, but also I hope you are struggling too. I am scared of staying stuck in the past, I am scared you are going to realise I wasn't your type, or that you much prefer someone else. It hurts to think about.
I realised we also won't watch shows together anymore, ones that we started watching together. I don't want to watch them anymore without you. I also cannot stand the name Samuel anymore. I hate it. It hurts so much. I know I broke up with you, but you really broke my heart.